Feb 10, 2014

Beyond Limits

On my final day of MAL 2014, I did something a little out of character. To be honest, it was way out of character. I was bound in a pretty basic spread eagle. More than two hours later, I was released from the most painful kink experience of my life to date.

Back at IML 2013, I spent a fair amount of time teasing a new friend. Well, that new friend happens to be a Dom, and now it was time to see that side of him. When the scene began, I knew I was in for an intense ride, but I had no idea how far it would actually go. I was expecting some light pain and a lot of edging and teasing. Almost immediately after I was bound, I was dealt a series of blows from a riding crop. Normally, an excessive amount of pain is not my thing, but a small amount of pain is welcome in a scene. This time it was different. After the first few strikes, I began to realize that as much as I didn't want to continue to endure any pain, I needed to. But why?

Even during the scene, I began to wonder why I was punishing myself like this. Did some part of me feel that I deserved this? Until recently, I had experienced an abundance of emotional pain. Did I need physical pain to balance it out? It wasn’t until after the scene that I realized that neither of these were the case. In fact, writing this post is what pushed me to take a closer look at the scene. I spent a majority of my flight home thinking about the scene and why I pushed myself so far beyond my own limits. What I discovered is that my recent low had a great deal of influence on the matter.

If you know me personally, or read my blog, you’re probably aware that I recently spent several months in a lull. Emotional conflict drove me to reduce contact with friends, family, and everything kinky. As a result, I lost a great deal of self-confidence. Fortunately, a short conversation combined with MAL was the cure to pulling me out of my rut. Unknown to me at the time, there was still more work to be done before I could be myself again.

One of the things I enjoy about kink is taking a step out of my comfort zone. I find it quite thrilling to try something new, even if it scares me a little. This has been the driving force behind many new kink interests and enjoyments, such as electro, sounding, and watersports. While I was in my lull, I had no drive to try new things like this. Naturally, after the transition back to my old self began, I was eager to try something new and push a limit or two. I have found this to be a large part of why I readily accepted so much pain in this scene. While I was eager to step out of my comfort zone, my real motivator in this scene was to see what I could take before I broke. I wanted to, no... I needed to prove to myself that I was still capable of leaving my comfort zone: An action that I believe to be crucial in truly exploring kink.

So the scene continued. Impact after impact struck my body in various places. What felt like an hour into the scene, but was most likely 30 minutes, I began to fall into subspace. As much as I hate to say it, this is a rare occurrence for me. Regardless of the discomfort and pain I was experiencing, I became focused on taking it in order to please my Dom. I was later told that my screams could be heard down the hall. By the end of the scene, I was beginning to tear up into my blindfold. When the pain ended, I was comforted by my Dom, both physically and verbally. I didn’t quite reach my breaking point, but I regained my self-confidence.

Now it’s time to get back to exploring.