Jun 12, 2014

Broken

You may recall a post about a recent experience in which I allowed a Dom to push me beyond my limits. During that scene, I learned a lot about pain, submission, and my own interests and curiosities in each. The scene pushed me closer to my breaking point than I ever thought I would reach, but didn't push me beyond it. After I had time to process everything that happened, I came to the frightening conclusion that I would certainly find myself in the same emotionally compromising position again in my future. Knowing this, I convinced myself that I would not be ready to do it again only six months later.

But there I was. I found myself making plans to meet that same Dom again. A Dom who fills me with both joy and excitement, but also trepidation. When the time finally came, the mood was very lighthearted, but I was still very nervous about what was to come. I was tied just as I had been last time: a simple, but effective spread eagle. There was only one goal of the scene: to be taken to the ledge that I looked over last time, and then pushed over it.

The instant I felt the first blow, I almost believed that I had made a mistake. After several other hits from the riding crop, I began to remember just how taxing my first experience was. After only a couple minutes, I was asking myself what I was doing. Within 10 minutes, I was in deep subspace, a frame of mind that I reach on the rarest of occasions. The scene continued, even with the help of my own friends to hold my legs back and give access to harder to reach places. It was right after my legs were re-attached to the bed that I reached the same point that we ended on in my first experience: The edge.

This was the point where tears began to soak the same blindfold that was used to hide the coming blows the last time I experienced such physical pain. I continuously told myself that it was 'only pain'. Along with that, screaming and yelling profanities were the only coping mechanisms I had at my disposal. There was a row of clothespins running up each of my sides for a good while by that time and I was fully aware of the rope strung between each one. The time came for the "zipper" to be ripped off my body, and no more than a minute of the riding crop later, it happened: I broke.

My tears turned into sobs as I reached the point in which I could no longer cope with the pain. I couldn't take it anymore. No more than a minute later, the continued barrage of smacks mixed with the verbal comforting from my Dom led to something I would have never expected: I wanted to keep going. I needed to keep going. I couldn't take any more pain, but I wanted to do it for him more than I wanted the pain to stop. He asked if I was ok. He asked if I wanted to keep going. Each time, despite my emotional state, I swallowed and said, "Yes Sir". When I was released, I was a mess. My thighs and ass were destroyed. My face tingled from breathing so rapidly. My right leg tensed up and became nearly unusable because of the thrashing and pulling it had done. My hands shook as I held the glass of water the Dom had brought me.

After the scene was over, I was told that next time, we will go even further. The ideas of a 'next time' and going even further than we just had frightened me, but also intrigued me. What's beyond the emotional state I had just experienced? How far could I go before I absolutely have to end the scene? I learned a lot about myself, what I can take, and what true subspace is.

When I began to explore kink and the community of guys behind it, I thought the only new things to try were gear and toys. There's so much more to explore: submission, dedication to a Dom, emotional states, and likely categories I haven't even realized yet. It's quite clear that I still have a lot of exploring to do, but I'm so excited to see what I find.

1 comment:

Unknown said...

Hi, i went through the same incident that You have described. It is intense, and every time i enter the space, it took a lot of time for me to walk back to reality.

Definitely likes to here more about Your experience!

That, Wwe could have a clue of what is actually going on.

Sincerely,
boydenon