Jan 20, 2013

First Contact

Our kinky community is quite a tight knit group, considering the vast distances that separate most of us from each other. I suppose this doesn't come as much of a surprise with our access to major social networks like Facebook and Twitter, as well as kink based networks like Recon, GearFetish, and FetLife. This online presence is great and offers many benefits, but it creates its own unique problems as well. One of these problems comes as the first contact between two users.

I feel that this issue encompasses a couple of smaller issues. The first, and probably more obvious, is respect. As a sub, I have received a number of messages that I felt were disrespectful. Like most, I don't take too kindly to name calling. In the past, I have received messages from strangers calling me names like 'cock slut', 'whore', 'fucker', 'faggot', 'boy', and 'slave'. I know, 'boy' and 'slave' aren't really all that bad, but they fall under a different category for me, which I will discuss shortly. The problem I have with name calling when first contacting a sub is less about the names and more about the poor etiquette. I understand that for some, a dirtier, raunchier, more verbally abusive relationship is what turns them on. This is not necessarily my thing, but I respect it and those who are attracted to that form of play. What upsets me is that some guys who enjoy this type of interaction sometimes end up forcing it on those who may not. Before messaging someone in such a manner, make sure that it's something they would enjoy first. Otherwise, it may be offensive to those who don't embrace such a role.

Now, back to the matter of the titles 'boy' and 'slave'. I personally believe that certain titles are earned. Just as it may be improper to call a stranger by their nickname rather than their real name, I feel it's the same when directly addressing a sub with a title such as 'boy' or 'slave'. While I love being called 'boy' by a Dom and even kinky friends, I don't necessarily enjoy it when it's done by someone I do not know. I feel differently about indirectly calling a sub "a boy" or "a slave", therefore I'm comfortable with it.

The second issue that arises with an initial online contact is less obvious, but somewhat annoying to many. Here's the issue from my perspective as a sub.  We've all seen it on people's profiles before: "If you contact me, say something meaningful... Don't just say 'hi' ". In my experience, while still little compared to many, I have noticed that conversations starting with a single word such as 'hey' usually end up going nowhere. Just like a good story, a first message needs a hook. 'Hi' is boring. Get the sub's attention. Before you message him, do your homework. Are you two compatible? Do your interests mesh? Are you only interested in chatting, or do you want to eventually meet? What do you hope to get out of talking or meeting with the sub?

A sub's role is to give up control to the Dom. This only works successfully when the sub trusts the Dom. Trust is one of the most important factors in a Dom/sub relationship, therefore gaining a subs trust should never be rushed. A sub feeds off of the Doms energy, just as the Dom feeds off of the subs energy, so compatibility is key. When the Dom respects the sub, the sub will respect the Dom. In the end, we're all people in our respective roles. To see Fossil9's perspective as a Dom, click here.

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