Jul 3, 2012

Intimidation

Intimidation in a scene is a new concept to me.  In fact, I've never been intimidated by the Dom I was with until I met Fossil9 (recon/blog) for the first time.  I want to dedicate this post to breaking down 'intimidation' and discussing what causes it, as well as the dynamic that it creates in a scene or in a relationship between a Dom and a sub.  As you have probably read, my experience with Fossil9 was the most submissive state I had ever been in.  I believe that a large part of this can be attributed to the simple fact that he intimidated me.  Because of this, I will use my experience with him as my primary example bank.

Why did he intimidate me? I had chatted with him online for months and found him to be an exceptionally friendly guy. That friendliness was confirmed when I met him in person for the first time in the lobby at IML.  For some reason, however, he still intimidated me.  I'll admit that part of the intimidation factor came from knowing his stature in the community.  As a well known and well respected Dom, you know he's experienced and knows what he's doing.  From my experience with him, I've found that this intimidation is a mix of respect, confidence, fear, and mystery.  Before I explain in more detail, I'll tell you that the word 'intimidating' does not always have the negative connotation that most people assign to it.

Part of the reason he intimidated me was because of the respect that I had for him and his methods.  This is an aspect of intimidation that you may not find in a newer or less experienced Dom, or even a Dom without a strong reputation to back him up.  In this case, however, the reputation held a great deal of power.  Having seen pictures, read stories, and heard first hand accounts of experiences with Fossil9, I certainly had a respect for what he did.  Respect for the Dom you're with is absolutely important.  Personally, I only play with people I can respect, both Doms and subs alike.  Respect for your Dom is as important as your trust in your Dom.  In fact, I'll even say they go hand in hand.  I don't know how you could trust someone that do not respect.  Along with that respect comes the Doms confidence in his own abilities.  When a Dom knows what he's doing, the sub knows it as well.

Before Flyboy and I met Fossil9, we had a short walk from the restaurant we were at for dinner to the lobby of the hotel.  The five minutes of that walk saw an increasing level of nervousness and anxiety in me.  This leads to fear.  Of course this is not a fear of what will happen to you.  I knew before I met him that I'd be in safe hands and no harm would come to me, but I feared how I would handle the situation.  The typical questions of meeting a new person run through your head, but were greater in number to encompass the kink related fields.

"Will he like me?".  “What if I mess up?”.  “What if I don't follow an order precisely?”.  “What if he orders me to do something that I don't enjoy?”.  “What if his style really isn't for me?”.

For some of these questions, it only takes the first meeting to have them answered forever, but for others, you may find them ringing in your head again the very next time you meet.  Sometimes it's hard to realize that your own trust in the Dom answers many of the questions for you.

I have never thought about it until now, but part of his intimidating nature came from me.  Having never reached such a level of submission, I wondered how a guy I've never met would be able to take full control of my mind and body in ways that I didn't even know.  This is part of why I believe that a sense of mystery is a trait of an intimidating Dom.  With Fossil9, I found that his methods were very thought out.  After my session with him, I learned that every little thing he does has a purpose, even if you don't notice it during the scene.  Also in Fossil9's case, the question arises as to what he's thinking. This holds true for all Doms who typically remain silent in a session unless giving commands or orders.  When your vision is taken away from you and you know the Dom is there, but not making any noise, you can't help but rack your brain over what may be coming next.  Even during our casual conversations in the lobby at IML, there always seemed to be a short silence from him before a command was given, as HE planned YOUR next move.  There is certainly an intimidating aspect to knowing that even in a public setting as equals, he has control.

All of that said, in almost any relationship between a person and his superior, be it an employee and his employer, a student and his professor, or a sub and his Dom, there is a certain level of intimidation.  In addition to the intimidation concepts that I have described above, there are also the general, more simple reasons that someone may be intimated by someone else.  A persons intelligence, physical appearance, and experience are all common intimidating features. All of these features can combine in one form or another to create or enhance submission.  In my experience with Fossil9, I found that intimidation was a key part of my increased submissive behavior for that evening.  But fear not.  Intimidation is not a necessity for a good time, but (at least for me) it can certainly make for an amazing experience!

Please be sure to check out Fossil9's views on this subject here!

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