Jul 3, 2012

Discoveries

IML was an absolutely amazing experience.  It was incredible to spend time with friends and make new ones in an environment that is so open and welcoming to new kinksters.  While I had a lot of fun with the activities of IML, I feel that the most important part of the weekend, at least for me, was what I learned.  IML was very much a learning experience for me, teaching me things about the community, my friends, and most importantly, myself.

One of the most amazing feelings that one can have is that of acceptance.  There was no shortage of this at IML.  I still catch myself thinking about how awesome it was to walk through that hotel lobby or the leather market in whatever outfit you chose without the fear of being ridiculed by the surrounding population.  Everyone is accepted as part of the community, whether they are well known veterans or, like myself, newbies trying to figure out their place in it all.

I believe that I’ve found my place, which you will read soon…

The person I was when I walked into IML was a completely different person from the one that walked out.  I discovered a lot about myself in those 3 days.  Much of what I learned about myself revolved around my kinks and fetishes.  I will start by using you, the audience, as an example.  Before I made my way to Chicago, I chatted with Fossil9 online.  One of the things that we discussed was that of public display of submission.  At one point, he asked if I had any interest in kneeling by his side, as his sub, while he conversed and socialized at a bar with friends.  At the time, the idea really got me excited, but quite frankly scared the hell out of me.  Be submissive… in public???  I told him that I may be interested, but we’ll have to see how things go.  Understand of course that in this case, the term “public” is used to mean “general gay and kinky public”, as this was the only surrounding population in the hotel.  Now, after IML is over, I look back and wish that I had done more public submission.  After having many experiences as such, I’ve found that I enjoy submitting or being bound in a kinky public setting.

As you may have already read, my interest in pup play has slowly and steadily been increasing.  I think that part of it is because it seems so popular in the community, while the rest is because I like what I see.  I still have a long way to go, but I noticed a brief spike in the rate that my interest is rising.  I suppose that seeing it first hand taught me a few things that I hadn’t noticed previously.  It will still be some time before my interest in pup play is strong enough to actually call it an interest of mine.  I believe that I will probably require a solid push to make the jump, but until then, I’ve uncovered a few things about it that have already taken a strong hold in my list of interests.

There are many aspects of pup play, most of which are still very foreign to me.  As difficult of a time that I have trying to wrap my head around this particular kink, there are parts of it that I crave.  One of the strongest cravings is that of the simple tussle of the hair or pet on the head.  There’s something about this simple action that just feels so right.  It’s both rewarding and reassuring.  As a sub, it comforts me and tells me how much the Dom really cares.  At the same time, it affirms my position as a sub, helping to sever my connection to my non-submissive ‘regular’ self.  I never would have thought that something so simple could be so powerful.

IML presented a lot of firsts for me, and not only in terms of new gear or activities to try.  For the first time, I saw my true submissive side.  For the first time, I wanted to submit to please the Dom.  Submission has taken on a new meaning to me. It’s real meaning.  To submit, not because it’s what I want to do, but because it’s who I am.  It shows trust in the Dom, long with numerous other things, like friendship and understanding for each other.  This new concept was later confirmed during a conversation between myself, Fossil9, and Tynan.  Tynan spoke about the differences between five types of people:  the sub that gradually becomes dominant, the Dom that gradually becomes submissive, the true 50/50 versatile, the true Dom, and the true sub.  During this conversation, I was tagged as a true sub.  This brought on a sudden realization of who I truly am, and helped to consolidate all of my small submissive moments of the trip into a big picture.  This confirmation of my nature was oddly comforting for me.  I discovered myself at IML.

Lastly, I’d like to send out a HUGE thanks all of the people who helped me discover these things about myself and the community!  There are way too many of you to mention here, but you all know who you are.

No comments: