Jun 12, 2014

Broken

You may recall a post about a recent experience in which I allowed a Dom to push me beyond my limits. During that scene, I learned a lot about pain, submission, and my own interests and curiosities in each. The scene pushed me closer to my breaking point than I ever thought I would reach, but didn't push me beyond it. After I had time to process everything that happened, I came to the frightening conclusion that I would certainly find myself in the same emotionally compromising position again in my future. Knowing this, I convinced myself that I would not be ready to do it again only six months later.

But there I was. I found myself making plans to meet that same Dom again. A Dom who fills me with both joy and excitement, but also trepidation. When the time finally came, the mood was very lighthearted, but I was still very nervous about what was to come. I was tied just as I had been last time: a simple, but effective spread eagle. There was only one goal of the scene: to be taken to the ledge that I looked over last time, and then pushed over it.

The instant I felt the first blow, I almost believed that I had made a mistake. After several other hits from the riding crop, I began to remember just how taxing my first experience was. After only a couple minutes, I was asking myself what I was doing. Within 10 minutes, I was in deep subspace, a frame of mind that I reach on the rarest of occasions. The scene continued, even with the help of my own friends to hold my legs back and give access to harder to reach places. It was right after my legs were re-attached to the bed that I reached the same point that we ended on in my first experience: The edge.

This was the point where tears began to soak the same blindfold that was used to hide the coming blows the last time I experienced such physical pain. I continuously told myself that it was 'only pain'. Along with that, screaming and yelling profanities were the only coping mechanisms I had at my disposal. There was a row of clothespins running up each of my sides for a good while by that time and I was fully aware of the rope strung between each one. The time came for the "zipper" to be ripped off my body, and no more than a minute of the riding crop later, it happened: I broke.

My tears turned into sobs as I reached the point in which I could no longer cope with the pain. I couldn't take it anymore. No more than a minute later, the continued barrage of smacks mixed with the verbal comforting from my Dom led to something I would have never expected: I wanted to keep going. I needed to keep going. I couldn't take any more pain, but I wanted to do it for him more than I wanted the pain to stop. He asked if I was ok. He asked if I wanted to keep going. Each time, despite my emotional state, I swallowed and said, "Yes Sir". When I was released, I was a mess. My thighs and ass were destroyed. My face tingled from breathing so rapidly. My right leg tensed up and became nearly unusable because of the thrashing and pulling it had done. My hands shook as I held the glass of water the Dom had brought me.

After the scene was over, I was told that next time, we will go even further. The ideas of a 'next time' and going even further than we just had frightened me, but also intrigued me. What's beyond the emotional state I had just experienced? How far could I go before I absolutely have to end the scene? I learned a lot about myself, what I can take, and what true subspace is.

When I began to explore kink and the community of guys behind it, I thought the only new things to try were gear and toys. There's so much more to explore: submission, dedication to a Dom, emotional states, and likely categories I haven't even realized yet. It's quite clear that I still have a lot of exploring to do, but I'm so excited to see what I find.

Jun 4, 2014

IML 2014

Well another year has passed, and another IML has come and gone. For me, last year’s IML was great, but it was impacted by a number of personal conflicts. This year, however, was just an awesome time.

After landing on Thursday afternoon, I met up with a couple of my roommates and checked into the hotel. We didn’t waste much time. No more than an hour after checking in, we had a pair of boys tied side by side on the bed. I had been talking with one of these boys for well over a year, so it was great to finally meet. After a great dinner, we made our way back up to the room, where we spent some time relaxing and just doing a bit of light bondage. It was a fantastic way to unwind after a day of travel. Later in the evening, we spent some time down in the lobby, catching up with friends and enjoying each others company.

Friday started a bit lazily, but I enjoyed what we’ll call… ‘breakfast in bed’. After a real breakfast, the market was open. We took a good spin around both levels, before heading back up to the room. We invited a few friends up to join us. Before we knew it, our merry gang of five had turned into a social gathering of nearly twenty. Later that evening, I had a play date with a couple friends. I was tied along side my new buddy.

Saturday started with a solid breakfast and a stroll around the market. A bit later in the afternoon, we had another large gathering in our room. This time, there was a little more bondage involved. Several boys, including myself, were tied at any given time. Later in the evening, several of us had plans for what would be quite a sight. Over the past few years, I’ve seen my fair share of mummified guys and been in my fair share of mummifications. On saturday night, I helped to mummify five boys, before becoming the sixth myself, shortly before a seventh was added. By the time we were done, there were seven of us mummified across two hotel room beds. It was a thing of beauty… and oh so much fun! After some particularly crazy, and in some cases… childish, antics, we all eventually got ourselves free before heading back to the room.

Sunday started with a trip to the market. I finally got myself a new gag. A bit later in the day… It was time. In my recent post, “Beyond Limits”, I came closer to my breaking point than I ever thought I would. I discovered that regardless of the pain, I wanted to explore this aspect of submission further. After the scene that my post describes, I had a suspicion that I would find myself at the hands of that Dom again in the near future. I was right. A more detailed post about this experience is coming soon. After that scene, we spent some time relaxing in the room, while I recovered from my ordeal.

IML was over. On Monday morning, we all packed up our belongings before one last quick tour of the Market with suitcases in tow. After we were checked out and a few of the group had already left, a couple of us decided to get out and see a bit of the town. We grabbed what was the best coffee I’ve ever had, and headed to Boystown for a quick tour. I hadn’t been in that area since my first MIR, over two years ago, so it was exciting to see it again. After that, we headed over to the famed “Bean” for the obligatory Chicago selfie, before heading off to the airport.

This year’s IML was amazing. Unfortunately, I was not able to play with one of my favorite Doms, but I was able to help introduce a new friend, and reader of this blog, to IML and a broader kink community. That is, afterall, the purpose behind this blog.

May 5, 2014

Limitations

We all know about limits. We list them on our profiles and reject those who don’t choose to abide by them. Of course, the function of these limits is generally thought to be safety. This is absolutely correct, and is certainly a great place to start. We set limits to protect ourselves; both from danger and actions that we simply just don’t want to do. They ensure that when we’re hanging, it’s over our safety net.

At first glance, it may seem like limits can be a restriction on a scene, but it’s possible to utilize them in order to push yourself. Your limits are your own, and if you're willing, you can use them as goals to reach. I feel my experience in the scene I wrote about in my “Beyond Limits” post is a good example to explain what I mean. This was a scene that pushed me far beyond the limits that I have had in place for every single other scene I’ve ever had in my life. The reason? I temporarily turned that limit off. Why? To explore something that I hadn’t experienced yet. The result? A new respect for those who find enjoyment in giving or receiving pain in a scene, as well as a budding interest in the idea in my own scenes.

This also illustrates that using your limits to set new limits can go beyond a single play session or scene. You can do this to obtain new goals in your kink life as a whole. My example for this takes me back to the kinky gathering I attended that opened the community to me. During that weekend, I was faced with two of my limits. Electro and sounding. Both scared me, and for good reason. The day before that trip, I would have told you that I was not willing to try either of these things any time soon. But when the moment came, I was overcome with such a 'When in Rome' state of mind that I just had to try them. Today, I enjoy both of these things and would miss out on them, had I not temporarily turned off my own limitations on them.

Of course, be safe out there. There is a difference between doing something you may not want to do and doing something that simply isn’t safe.

Apr 13, 2014

A Bit of Fun from the Top

A few days ago, I got the chance to play with an old friend of mine, along with a couple new friends that I hadn’t yet met, but had been trying to for quite some time. Due to a recent injury, I wasn’t well enough to endure potentially stressful bondage positions, so I brushed off my ‘Dom’ side for the evening. I’ve had very little play in the last several months, so jumping back into a kinky setting was a much needed stress reliever, even if I wasn’t being bound. As I entered, the gear was neatly spread about the living room, waiting for my own to be added.


We were planning on doing a mummification later in the evening, but discovered that we had plenty of duct tape, but not enough plastic wrap. After a quick trip up to the local home improvement store, we started with some rope. I tied one boy to a chair, while my friend tied the other to an opposing chair. As we both neared completion of our ties, the doorbell rang. This was rather unexpected by both of us, but it turned out to be yet another very cute guy joining our merry band for the evening. After some teasing, we untied the two bound boys and all had a quick drink.

Up next was the planned mummification. We started pretty normal with plastic wrap and traditional gray duct tape. I wanted to do the head in a different color, so we decided on a delightfully bright pink. I love encasement and objectification, and so does the boy we were mummifying, so we were sure to include an inflatable tube gag to ensure that no facial skin was exposed. Aside from our mummy’s locked dick, he was nothing but a duct tape object for us to play with. After we had a pink head, the rest of the mummy just looked too plain, so I added some quick and easy decoration with some bright stripes. It’s not an elaborate decoration, but I think it really helps with the overall ‘curb appeal’.


Feb 10, 2014

Beyond Limits

On my final day of MAL 2014, I did something a little out of character. To be honest, it was way out of character. I was bound in a pretty basic spread eagle. More than two hours later, I was released from the most painful kink experience of my life to date.

Back at IML 2013, I spent a fair amount of time teasing a new friend. Well, that new friend happens to be a Dom, and now it was time to see that side of him. When the scene began, I knew I was in for an intense ride, but I had no idea how far it would actually go. I was expecting some light pain and a lot of edging and teasing. Almost immediately after I was bound, I was dealt a series of blows from a riding crop. Normally, an excessive amount of pain is not my thing, but a small amount of pain is welcome in a scene. This time it was different. After the first few strikes, I began to realize that as much as I didn't want to continue to endure any pain, I needed to. But why?

Even during the scene, I began to wonder why I was punishing myself like this. Did some part of me feel that I deserved this? Until recently, I had experienced an abundance of emotional pain. Did I need physical pain to balance it out? It wasn’t until after the scene that I realized that neither of these were the case. In fact, writing this post is what pushed me to take a closer look at the scene. I spent a majority of my flight home thinking about the scene and why I pushed myself so far beyond my own limits. What I discovered is that my recent low had a great deal of influence on the matter.

If you know me personally, or read my blog, you’re probably aware that I recently spent several months in a lull. Emotional conflict drove me to reduce contact with friends, family, and everything kinky. As a result, I lost a great deal of self-confidence. Fortunately, a short conversation combined with MAL was the cure to pulling me out of my rut. Unknown to me at the time, there was still more work to be done before I could be myself again.

One of the things I enjoy about kink is taking a step out of my comfort zone. I find it quite thrilling to try something new, even if it scares me a little. This has been the driving force behind many new kink interests and enjoyments, such as electro, sounding, and watersports. While I was in my lull, I had no drive to try new things like this. Naturally, after the transition back to my old self began, I was eager to try something new and push a limit or two. I have found this to be a large part of why I readily accepted so much pain in this scene. While I was eager to step out of my comfort zone, my real motivator in this scene was to see what I could take before I broke. I wanted to, no... I needed to prove to myself that I was still capable of leaving my comfort zone: An action that I believe to be crucial in truly exploring kink.

So the scene continued. Impact after impact struck my body in various places. What felt like an hour into the scene, but was most likely 30 minutes, I began to fall into subspace. As much as I hate to say it, this is a rare occurrence for me. Regardless of the discomfort and pain I was experiencing, I became focused on taking it in order to please my Dom. I was later told that my screams could be heard down the hall. By the end of the scene, I was beginning to tear up into my blindfold. When the pain ended, I was comforted by my Dom, both physically and verbally. I didn’t quite reach my breaking point, but I regained my self-confidence.

Now it’s time to get back to exploring.